X-Ray Vision

As you may have seen in a previous post, I have fallen in love with the site http://www.superdickery.com. Inspired by seeing Superman, the original hero, displaying his little known super jerk powers I have decided to document the actions of another seemingly virtuous hero. It seems that Reed Richards and Superman have something in common besides loving skintight clothing.

Case #1: Reed Richards hits wife. Don’t believe that heroes enjoy a little spousal abuse? I present to you exhibit A:

Yes, that is Mr. Fantastic laying down the law on the Invisible Woman. This in itself is enough to qualify Mr. Richards as a less than ideal man, but there are more examples of his jerkishness.

Case #2: He shut off his son’s mind. Sure he was worried that his super powerful son Franklin would be unable to control his immense power, which could lead to the end of the world. The thing you have to remember here is that Mr. Fantastic is a freaking genius. You would think that he would have been able to come up with a solution other than shooting his son with mind-melting vegetable ray.

Case #3: He blew up a planet. This is after he launches a ship into space with the Hulk inside, which I have to say is a bad move in the first place. Then, once the Hulk finds peace and happiness on his new world, the bomb Richards set in the ship goes off. The resulting blast kills the Hulk’s new friends and family, causing him to seek vengeance against earth. Killing an entire planet? That’s cold, Mr. Richards.

There you have it, Reed Richards gives Superman a run for his money in the jerk department. Who do you think is worse? Tune in tomorrow as I profile yet another super hero acting less than heroic.

-        Gonzo

While Deadpool is my favorite hero in comic books, Venom is my favorite villain. He has it all, great powers, great back story, and a propensity for eating brains. That, my friends, is a recipe for success.

Venom is basically Spider-Man on steroids. Super strong, fast, and agile, Venom has frequently given our favorite Web-Head a run for his money. The thing that I like about Venom is his unique sense of justice. At one point he began taking out criminals who threatened those under his protection, almost losing his villain status. Fortunately he wasn’t above a little spine breaking and brain gobbling to keep the peace and thus kept his bad guy image.

Basically the point I’m trying to get across here is that Venom is just as likely to save your life as he is to punch a hole in your chest. This unpredictability is what makes him so fun, so go find yourself a nice copy of a comic featuring Venom and be prepared for awesomeness. Yes, awesomeness is a real word.

-        Gonzo   

Comics have inspired projects in many different fields, from movies to creepy costumes at conventions. Some of these are good (first Spider-Man movie) and some are bad (fat guys in wolverine costumes) but one of my favorite comic inspired items of all time are the electronic Hulk Hands.

Possibly the one good thing to result from Ang Lee’s less than stellar Hulk movie, these green fists are quite possibly the best toys ever. Slip these on and let your rage overtake you as you pound on a pillow, wall, or person smaller than you. Every time contact is made the gloves make a sound. Maybe this time it’s just a thud, but the next punch could unleash a mighty Hulk roar to let your pillow/wall/younger sibling know who the boss is. Best of all the gloves are foam and thus less likely to concuss your punching bag.

In fact I am now going to put on my pair of Hulk Hands and go have some fun. If you see a report about a guy punching the side of a building you will know I’m having the time of my life.

-        GONZO SMASH

How much power is too much for a single being to have? We have examples of this popping up all the time in comics, ranging from the power of the Phoenix in X-Men to superheroes in general in Marvel’s Civil War series. My favorite example however does not involve super powers of any kind, but rather Batman and his secret schemes.

While he is not able to turn green and smash things or shoot lasers out of his eyes, Batman is the most dangerous man in Gotham City. He has plans inside of plans inside plans that he doesn’t reveal to any of those he works with. As the War Games arc shows, Batman and his plans can lead to quite a bit of destruction even when he is doing his best to protect his city. The level of influence he has on Gotham is beyond belief. If Lucius Fox got upset about the cell phones in the Dark Knight, imagine how he would feel about the comic portrayal of Batman, pulling strings everywhere, manipulating events to his liking.

Of course I trust Batman completely. At least most of the time. What would you do if you had that type of power? I will now let you reflect upon these deep musings. Check back tomorrow comic fans.

-        Gonzo

I’d like to say that the Martian Manhunter is an alien version of Superman, but Superman is an alien as well. I guess the big difference between the two is that the Manhunter is green. Yet, despite the numerous similarities in powers, I have found that I like the green guy better. I believe the reason for this is because of secret identities, where John Jones wins every time.

When Superman is going about his everyday civilian life he puts on a pair of glasses so he is not recognized. When J’onn J’onzz decides to mingle with earthlings he turns from a bald green alien into a normal looking Chicago detective. This is a slightly more effective disguise in my opinion. Whenever I saw Clark Kent at the scene of a crime I found it hard to believe that none of the people would recognize him. It is as if Metropolis is full of idiots, which I guess would explain why it is such a popular target for attack.

Overall the Manhunter just makes for a more believable story involving super powered aliens. Reading over that sentence makes me laugh on the inside a little bit. Well that is pretty much the main reason why I give the Martian Manhunter the nod of Superman. Those are my thoughts for the day, until tomorrow comic fans.

-        Gonzo

Whenever you think of Superman you probably think of him as heroic and virtuous. Well according to superdickery.com that image is not fitting at all. This site is dedicated to documenting heroes (mostly Superman) as they torment sidekicks, terrorize innocents and just act like all around jerks.

I recently discovered this site and have been chuckling to myself for the past hour as I discovered what sorts of evil shenanigans Superman is really up to. These acts range from evaporating a pool of water before kids go swimming in it to making deals with the devil. I haven’t decided which is worse.

This is a great time killing site that is sure to bring back fond memories of a time before comics had to be all politically correct. Ever wonder how much Superman messed with Jimmy Olsen? Visit http://www.superdickery.com today and find out. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to look at this supposed hero in the same way again.

-        Gonzo

We all enjoy reading the finely crafted tales inside of our comic books, but it must be admitted that some stories are better than others, and some writers are simply a cut above the rest. One such writer is Jeph Loeb, known to many as the author of the Batman Hush story line.

I have not read a single one of his comics that I have not liked, and many (like the previously mentioned Hush arc) have been popular enough for Loeb to win Eisner Awards. Those are basically the Oscars of comics, and he has won 4 of them. That’s like Will Smith level right there. Suffice to say I have been a big fan of the Superman/Batman series he has worked on and I highly recommend it. Furthermore I declare this to be Jeph Loeb day, since as far as I know there is not already a day with this name. So go out and be festive and read some Jeph Loeb stories! Creating a holiday has been enough work for me, until tomorrow comic fans.

-        Gonzo

It’s a brand new day at X-Ray Vision and that means a new topic! I’ve noticed that I’ve been talking about Marvel comics quite a bit recently (I’m admittedly more of a Marvel Guy myself) and I decided today would be a good day to give DC some love. Thus I presented myself this hypothetical question: Which DC character’s superpowers would I like to have?

The first option that came to mind was Superman. I would basically have just about every super power if I chose him, but there would be no challenge left, and leaping tall buildings in a single bound just isn’t my thing. That is when inspiration struck! What hero would give me immense power that could be customized to just about any situation? Well assuming you read the title of this post I believe you know that I am talking about the Green Lantern.

As I already said, the Green Lantern’s ring would allow me a great deal of flexibility for a variety of situations. What I really like is that there would still be a level of challenge, as I’d have to think and be creative in my use of the ring. One scenario that might arise would be the classic bank robber standoff. How would I handle this situation? A giant boxing glove to the face? No, too cliché. I would create an ottoman behind him while a giant hand pushes him from in front. After “tabletopping” the vicious criminal I would create a sumo wrestler to sit upon him until authorities arrived. Thus, leaving the criminal defeated and thoroughly humiliated I would be off to use my powers to seduce super models. We all know I’d look devilishly handsome as a green lantern:

Yes, I am the epitome of manliness. Just look at those abs. Well, now you know which DC character’s powers I would choose. Feel free to let me know which powers you’d like in the comments. Maybe I can give you the hook-up once I’m inducted into the Corps, I’m assuming that’ll be any day now. That’s all for now, until tomorrow comic fans.

-        Gonzo  

I received my hardbound edition of The Ultimates 3: Who Killed the Scarlet Witch today and of course put off all my homework to read it. I have been a big fan of the previous installments in the Ultimates series, but I am unsure how I feel about the new direction this series is going. At the same time I like some of the options opened up, it is a very confusing time for me.

Let’s get the negatives out of the way first. As you might have read in one of my previous posts, Hawkeye was one of my favorite Ultimates. Unfortunately all the things I liked about him have disappeared as he reemerges from personal tragedy as a suicidal emo type. I want the old Hawkeye back.

That’s enough time spent dwelling on negative aspects, now it’s time to discuss all the fine aspects of this story! The three things I really liked were Cap’s disguise as the Black Panther, more interactions between Thor and the Asgardian Gods, and Magneto’s rage at the loss of his children. All of these lead to a slew of possibilities in the future and makes me want to read more. Overall, I have to say it was an enjoyable read, despite the loss of awesome Hawkeye. I recommend it for any fan of the Ultimates series. That’s all for today, until next time comic fans.

-        Gonzo

A hero that is synonymous with truth, justice, and the American way, Captain America is a household name. Having been around since the 40’s there have been multiple reincarnations of this beacon of liberty and most of them have been very enjoyable. I’d like to take the time now to share with you some of my favorite Captain America adventures.

5. Avengers #4 – This reintroduction of Cap in 1964 is really a comic classic. This is considered a key issue, so don’t expect to find one lying around in your local comic shop, at least not for less than an arm, a leg, and your firstborn child. If offered these terms I’d say don’t go for it, and if you must have it for your collection keep it in good condition. There are reprints of this book out that make perfect reading copies so you can relive Cap’s induction to the Avengers.

4. Civil War – This story line opened up my eyes to a new side of Captain America. He refused to compromise his principles, going against the orders of his country in order to fight for what he believed in.

3. The Ultimates 2: Gods and Monsters – Here we were shown the fallible side of Captain America, highlighting just what a difficult transition going from the 1940’s to modern day would be. He’s cantankerous as an old man, but still beats down everyone who stands in his way.

2. Captain America #323 – The US Agent was a sort of Anti-Cap in the beginning, especially in his introduction. This turned out to be a character I really enjoyed seeing interact with Cap, all the way from his psychotic breakdown to his revival as a hero alongside Cap.

1. Captain America #395 – Well, this was the first Captain America story I ever read and despite its absolute absurdness I immediately fell in love with it. Possibly the most ludicrous story I’ve ever read it remained charming. The best metaphor I can think of is that this issue was like the Napoleon Dynamite of comics, so bad it was good. If you don’t know what story I’m talking about just look up the title: The House That Dripped Dough. ‘Nuff said. That’s all for today, until tomorrow comic fans.

- Gonzo